Friday, August 20, 2010

hmmm what's next. another surreal moment in time.

Losing? Lost? I lost my baby.  What kind of way to say it is that?  Did I really lose it?  Doesn't that make it sound like it's my fault somehow?  Anyway, the baby didn't make it. No more heartbeat. I have miscarried. Baby has died, but still remains physically in me at this point.

2 weeks ago or so the doctor tells me.  I just found out I've been carrying a child who died at about 13 weeks gestation.  I was almost 16 weeks along.

letting go. unmet expectations. sadness. grief.  heaviness. guilt.  responsibility.  why?  why now?

so many racing thoughts, feelings, and emotions tumble unexpectedly and haphazardly across my mind and on my face and out through my words.  physically:  headaches, no appetite, crying, a sick to my stomach feeling like i just want to throw up all the time.

telling my 3 year old daughter was the hardest thing i had to do yesterday.  "why mommy? why?"  she is sobbing.  "but mommy why baby go to heaven?"  my heart is broken along with hers.

all we will have now is a couple of sweet ultrasound photos from our first visit a month ago and the memories.  someday we will get to ask God ourselves.  Why?

wow.  i've got another unexpected journey.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


My daughter is cracking me up these days with her epiphanies about bones.  We got some nice colorful medical diagrams of various systems of the human body, including the skeletal system and we've tried to explain her about the bones inside her body (and all of us!).  Now, her knees have been hurting her when she falls..."my bones", she says!  Then, tonight at dinner, daddy is eating a drumstick and shows her the chicken bone.  Wow!!  Who knew?  Chickens have bones too, just like us!!  Watching her connect these dots in her mind made me smile.

Gotta love the sweet innocence of a 3 year old.

BTW, confession:  I think I'm addicted to Bones.  I'm in the middle of season 2 on Netflix.  Good stuff!