today

everyday it seems: i get up, get everyone going/ready, go to work, come home, cook, dinner, bath, laundry, go to bed exhausted just to get up and do it all over again.  sometimes days blur together and then all of the sudden, it's been weeks of blur and i my mind begins to wonder,

"who's really raising my kids?"

"when was the last time my husband and I had time to connect about anything excluding finances, kids, schedule, work?"

"how did monday get here so fast?"

"when was the last time i had some quiet time?"

"am i a bad wife/mom/sister/daughter?"

"when did i last have some fun girl time?"

"am i failing...at everything i'm trying to do (follow god, marriage, mom, friend, daughter, sister)?"

then, i get a random hug from my daughter, she kisses my cheek, and says "i love you mommy".  that voice in my wondering mind is scattered to the wind, replaced with wonder of it all.

the house is a disaster.
i can't find my desk for all the mail & bills piled high.
i don't have meals planned for the week.
i can't even tell you what's on the grocery list - where is it?
most of the laundry is done.
most of the dishes are done.
the floors are only sticky a little.
bathroom is kinda clean.
but, it's quiet and peaceful now.
the kids are asleep.
i am thankful.
another day survived.
a full day.  full of
...snuggles.
...pajamas.
...waffles.
...pizza.
...bouncing.
...picking flowers (weeds?).
...lots of running & toddling.
there were tears from tripping
...learning.
...jealousy.
...discipline.
...hearing no.
lots of tickles
...smiles & giggles.
...kisses.
...hugs.
...love.
it's all worth it.
mom - best job in the world!

hope everyone will forgive me when i slack at the rest.

11 Rules on Marriage You Won’t Learn in School - FamilyLife.com

11 Rules on Marriage You Won’t Learn in School - FamilyLife.com

something my psych degree finally proved good for

At dinner tonight, Maddy was trying to get the red sauce off the penne pasta, rubbing it off with her fingers. "I don't like it" she says to me.

"Why don't you lick it off?" I respond. 

And she does, proceeding to eat it all.

Stifling laughter I ask, "Did it work?" 

She nods.

tell me something good

i am imperfect. i make mistakes all the time. i get angry. i want my way. i usually think i'm right. my weaknesses and sinfulness cannot be hidden for long if you know me i probably offend without knowing, hurt without wanting, stomp all over without meaning...but i long to know that sometimes, someplace, to someone or someones i did something right, meaningful, lasting, worth this life. encouragement is a good thing!

Here's an article that goes along with these thoughts...we all need encouragement!!

amazing lyrics...could be me

Not a big fan of the song, but when the lyrics are in front of me, they're powerful.


Something More by Ginny Owens




I've spent half my lifetime watching time go by
And wondering where it went
When I try to fall asleep at night
I lay there feeling spent

Contemplating what the next day's gonna hold for me
Tossin' turnin', my mind is churnin'
Thought won't let me be

Every morning meets me with a list of all I have to do
Every evening greets me with the knowledge that I'm never through
Every taste of success makes me vow to never fail
Feels like I just chase my tail

There's gotta be something more than running circles for a living
Gotta be something better than just trying to survive
Gotta be some important puzzle piece that I am missing
Gotta be something more to life.

If every picture tells a story, Mine must be a mystery
'Cause I lose sight of who I am and who I am
And who I'm supposed to be
Looking back on what I've built
And all that I've achieved
Only leads me to believe


Tired of these hopeless places
Bored with my earthly things
So I must fill my empty spaces
With the love that heaven brings

frustration

I'm running more now than I have ever run in my life.  Usually 3 days/week right now about 3 miles a pop.  In my past life, pre-motherhood, the furthest I ever ran was a 5K.  Once.  So 3 miles/run is a lot for me and yet I'm stuck.  I seemed to have hit some sort of rut.  Can't seem to lose any pounds, don't seem to be losing any inches, the jeans are still tight.  Grrrrr.

I was doing so well until I got pregnant, now I can't seem to get back on track since the m/c.  I'm SO frustrated!!!  I'm well aware that I may never get the body back that I want, but I thought I could make some sort of progress again.  Hmmm. 

I am not big on diets, calorie counting, points, or the like, but I am thinking I need to do something about my food choices.  But, I need to be wise about that so I don't end up on the wrong side of the precarious lifetime effort, attempting to not sink back into eating disorder. *sigh*

vanity and unwanted hair

How in the world do I explain why I'm tweezing my eyebrows to my 3 year old while she is going to the bathroom?!

"Why momma?  Why you do that?" she asks.

So many answers pop in and out of my mind, but nothing sounds good, right, honest or what I want her to hear. 

Answers like:

Well, I have these extra hairs that keep growing out that I don't want...If I don't get them, I'll have a bushy uni-brow...It drives me crazy when I see those little buggers sprouting out in the wrong place...For whatever reason, God gave me some extra ones...Oh I'm just multi-tasking, just passing the time...Because my best friend in middle school showed me how and said I needed to...Maybe because I'm just vain and self-conscious and always imagining people staring at them wondering why I don't take care of that mess...It's something to do while I'm waiting for you on the potty...You know, the beautifully made up models with professionally shaped & groomed brows create expectations in my head that I can't ever meet, but somehow I still want to strive for them.

Oh boy, I just want this conversation to go away!!  So I say, "Don't forget to flush" and off we go.

But I am reminded of what really matters, because of her question.  Get over it I tell myself.  And at least for the moment, I will.

BTW - I did a google image search to get a photo of a pair of tweezers.  So scary to see all those different types of pluckers out there.  It's made me even more aware of this crazy insane culture we live in that detests unwanted and supposedly unnecessary hair - we're so vain!!

can she just stay 3 forever

She has this silly DVD all about the circus. Today, she brings it out and says, "Mommy, this is my FAVORITIST!"  Oh the simplicity and innocence of a child.  The joy and honesty and sheer delight on her face made my day.

Today, when daddy comes through the door from work, she runs from one end of the house to the other yelling, "Daddy's here! Daddy's here!" over and over, too loud and probably waking up her sister who just fell asleep.  But, how can you stop that exuberant love from pouring out?  No way!!



Her sister is sad, so she brings her favorite blanket and animal.  Tenderhearted to the core.

She shares her treasured ice cream with her sister (even though I asked her not to).  Wow, generous to a fault.

I love these days.  I wish I could somehow memorize all these sweet sweet moments.  Especially to replay when she's a teenager!  :-)

hmmm what's next. another surreal moment in time.

Losing? Lost? I lost my baby.  What kind of way to say it is that?  Did I really lose it?  Doesn't that make it sound like it's my fault somehow?  Anyway, the baby didn't make it. No more heartbeat. I have miscarried. Baby has died, but still remains physically in me at this point.


2 weeks ago or so the doctor tells me.  I just found out I've been carrying a child who died at about 13 weeks gestation.  I was almost 16 weeks along.

letting go. unmet expectations. sadness. grief.  heaviness. guilt.  responsibility.  why?  why now?

so many racing thoughts, feelings, and emotions tumble unexpectedly and haphazardly across my mind and on my face and out through my words.  physically:  headaches, no appetite, crying, a sick to my stomach feeling like i just want to throw up all the time.

telling my 3 year old daughter was the hardest thing i had to do yesterday.  "why mommy? why?"  she is sobbing.  "but mommy why baby go to heaven?"  my heart is broken along with hers.

all we will have now is a couple of sweet ultrasound photos from our first visit a month ago and the memories.  someday we will get to ask God ourselves.  Why?

wow.  i've got another unexpected journey.

Bones

My daughter is cracking me up these days with her epiphanies about bones.  We got some nice colorful medical diagrams of various systems of the human body, including the skeletal system and we've tried to explain her about the bones inside her body (and all of us!).  Now, her knees have been hurting her when she falls..."my bones", she says!  Then, tonight at dinner, daddy is eating a drumstick and shows her the chicken bone.  Wow!!  Who knew?  Chickens have bones too, just like us!!  Watching her connect these dots in her mind made me smile.

Gotta love the sweet innocence of a 3 year old.

BTW, confession:  I think I'm addicted to Bones.  I'm in the middle of season 2 on Netflix.  Good stuff!

losing my mind?

Brought a salad to work a couple days ago.  Completely forgot about it.  I was starving at lunch time...thinking I need to go get something before I perish!  Hello, went to grab my keys, and guess what I found?  Oh yeah...the lunch I brought.  Where is my brain?

How is it that I can forget what day of the week it is...nearly everyday?!

Dear husband is telling me about conversations we had...what?  don't recall it at all.  Where was I exactly (in my head) if I was there talking about things I don't remember!

Can't find my keys and sunglasses - all the time.

Leaving my phone on the charger, don't notice till I'm at work, don't have it for 12 hours on Monday (it's my long day at work).  Wooops.

Lost my usb flash drive thingy...why are there so many names for those little storage devices that are now smaller than my car key and so easy to lose?  major bummer.



I blame my kids.  It's gotta be a mom-brain thing.  I'm not old enough for dementia or Alzheimers right?  Please tell me so.  Just plain old tired I hope.

simple

I think this may be my new favorite word.

I long for simpler life.  I long for simpler food.  I crave, yearn, hugely desire a simpler schedule.  I would love there to be less to do, more to enjoy.  We have been given ONE amazing opportunity in life to find our purpose, meet and live for our Maker, seek His will, enjoy His creation, demonstrate His love.

Why does life get so complicated so quickly?  One day I think I am managing the chaos beast, then the next, he is out of control, spinning us in circles!

I am focusing on simple.

Just doing what I can.  trying to be a good wife, a good mom, a loving person.

For all that opposes me in those objectives (and there seems to be a lot), BOO to you.  I'm down on the garbage that is shoved down our throats on TV, billboards, radio, newspaper, any news.  I'm down on the "I NEED" the latest version of this or update of that - what is wrong with the current model anyway?!  It still works and yet we feel the need to replace everything (car, computer, phone, camera, house, spouse...the list can go on and on!). I am down on the need to entertain everyone, keep everyone busy, or worry that we might miss out on something.

I will survive even if I don't know who is on American Idol this year.  My daughter will thrive even if I don't sign her up for dance class or horse back riding lessons.  I will survive despite not getting to wear the latest styles.  My husband will survive without the newest and greatest camera (hopefully!)!

Why are so uncommitted to what is now and what is right in front of us?  I know for me, I have been blessed with an amazing family.  I need to simply focus on that.  My kids are young right now.  That is a HUGE commitment...what I need to focus on.  It is what simple life is for me right now, focusing on the little people I am raising and supporting the man I committed my life too for as long as I live.

Now, how to get simpler food on our plates?!  I just watched "The Wilderness Family" movie from the 70s.  Hilarious and yet eerily familiar to me and my own young childhood!  At one point, they're eating a meal together of only food they grew or made, or killed themselves.  I was jealous!

in honor of all mom's out there

My 3rd Mother's Day.  Not so different than any other day.  up early, cooking, dishes, laundry, chores, tears, laughter, hugs, and kisses.  a sweet treat to end the day - my choice.  loved hearing "happy mudders day" from my 2 year old.  her words melted my heart.  plus, her impromptu "I love my mommy" song in the car was pretty amazing too.  she was singing to herself, but I heard it!!

I don't know where this came from or who wrote it, but it is good.  I am often reminded of how much being a mom has helped me learn what "dying to self" really means.  This story gave me another encouraging perspective on motherhood:



I'm Invisible

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.  Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

The invisible Mom.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:
Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being.

I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'
I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'

I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, and she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a hair clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

 

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.  I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:  No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam.  He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.'  And, the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'  I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.  No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction.   But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime, because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home.And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

trying again...to blog

it's been awhile.  life is taking me on a roller coaster ride.  i can't wait to see what is around the next bend!

so sad so angry how can this happen

Ever since I heard about this, it's been so heavy on my heart.  Can't stop the rushing of emotions.  I will take this up with the Almighty for sure.

A 7 month old and a 2 year year old, just like us.  Two busy parents, just like us.  It is so scary that this could possibly happen.

The Purpose of the Struggle

Does anyone know the origin or author of this famous story?

The story of the butterfly


A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.  One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole. Then it stopped, as if it couldn't go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily but it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it, expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge and expand enough to support the body. Neither happened!

In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand: The restricting cocoon and the struggle required by the butterfly to get through the opening was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready for flight once that was achieved. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives.

Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been.
We would never fly.

Right now, I feel like my cocoon was just snipped.  But, I am trying to look at this way:  maybe it wasn't cut at all and it's just part of my sanctification process. I just need to grow stronger and struggle a little longer and allow myself to mature and be molded in the process.

god sighting

the day welcomed me with this.  it's timeliness speaks to the loving touch of god's faithfulness in my life:

This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control.  In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete.  Take time to bask in the Light of My Love.  As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence.  The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand.  Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

p. 87 (March 24 devotion)

anger

it's dangerous.

at least I know it is for me.

i know anger is sometimes justified and healthy, but i don't think i know how to handle anger well.  it is not a comfortable emotion for me.

My quote for the day:  "There are times when anger is incorrectly associated with trivial matters.  And there are times when it may be associated with legitimate concerns, but is managed irresponsibly.  Balance is found when anger is linked to a reasonable issue and is communicated in a proper manner." The Anger Workbook p. 19

oooh.  communicated in a proper manner is what i need to try and do.

how do you handle it?

delete

remember how refreshed and inspired i was?

delete.

everything i was ready to tackle these next couple years - gone.

hmmm.

what is god doing?  i am not sure i understand right now.

refresh

what an awesome button.

whoever thought that up is a genius really.

i just got to hit the f5 button on my life.  for 4 days of renewal and rejuvenation and inspiration and encouragement.

what an amazing gift.




it included:

* facial & a massage (thank you someone anonymous out there for that treat!)
* sleep
* sun - seriously amazing summer weather!
* time to read
* time to swim, run, walk
* a little shopping (finally used last year b-day gift card for some cute new shoes, jeans, shirts!)
* time to just be a child of god with no responsibilities for anyone else
* food prepared and served to me almost every meal (no dishes to do - wow!!!)
* someone else making my bed and delivering clean towels to my room every day!!

i felt so pampered!  truly, it was an amazing gift of time.  oh yeah, it was a conference too...FULL of stuff to take in.  i was shoved up to the fire hydrant on everything children and family ministry related:

* workshops on family trends
* inspirational speakers at general sessions
* resources galore to peruse and consider
* time connecting with peers
* encouraging conversations
* brainstorming time
* reflection time
* lots to read, observe, learn, consider, take in

i am so thankful. for f5. for refresh. for renewal.