frustration

I'm running more now than I have ever run in my life.  Usually 3 days/week right now about 3 miles a pop.  In my past life, pre-motherhood, the furthest I ever ran was a 5K.  Once.  So 3 miles/run is a lot for me and yet I'm stuck.  I seemed to have hit some sort of rut.  Can't seem to lose any pounds, don't seem to be losing any inches, the jeans are still tight.  Grrrrr.

I was doing so well until I got pregnant, now I can't seem to get back on track since the m/c.  I'm SO frustrated!!!  I'm well aware that I may never get the body back that I want, but I thought I could make some sort of progress again.  Hmmm. 

I am not big on diets, calorie counting, points, or the like, but I am thinking I need to do something about my food choices.  But, I need to be wise about that so I don't end up on the wrong side of the precarious lifetime effort, attempting to not sink back into eating disorder. *sigh*

hmmm what's next. another surreal moment in time.

Losing? Lost? I lost my baby.  What kind of way to say it is that?  Did I really lose it?  Doesn't that make it sound like it's my fault somehow?  Anyway, the baby didn't make it. No more heartbeat. I have miscarried. Baby has died, but still remains physically in me at this point.


2 weeks ago or so the doctor tells me.  I just found out I've been carrying a child who died at about 13 weeks gestation.  I was almost 16 weeks along.

letting go. unmet expectations. sadness. grief.  heaviness. guilt.  responsibility.  why?  why now?

so many racing thoughts, feelings, and emotions tumble unexpectedly and haphazardly across my mind and on my face and out through my words.  physically:  headaches, no appetite, crying, a sick to my stomach feeling like i just want to throw up all the time.

telling my 3 year old daughter was the hardest thing i had to do yesterday.  "why mommy? why?"  she is sobbing.  "but mommy why baby go to heaven?"  my heart is broken along with hers.

all we will have now is a couple of sweet ultrasound photos from our first visit a month ago and the memories.  someday we will get to ask God ourselves.  Why?

wow.  i've got another unexpected journey.

Distracted? Or Multi-tasking?

Multi-tasking is overrated.  You may think you're doing more, but really, you're just doing more things - less well.  I mean the more you stack on the pile, the more likely something is going to fall, right?!

I googled images of both words.  Funny thing.  Here is what I found.  Can you guess which one is distracted and which one is multi-tasking?

I know there is a ton of research out there right now confirming my suspicions:

“Multitasking is going to slow you down, increasing the chances of mistakes,” said David E. Meyer, a cognitive scientist and director of the Brain, Cognition and Action Laboratory at the University of Michigan. “Disruptions and interruptions are a bad deal from the standpoint of our ability to process information.”

Here is a hilarious (don't know if true, but hilarious none-the-less) image of one such "mistake" from this article on why multi-tasking is bad:

That explains my life to a tee right now.

I get so many distractions all day long that I am constantly trying to remember what I was just doing a moment ago before __________ happened or before ____________ called or before _________ email came in or before _________ stopped by.  That is at work.

Then, I come home and it's chaos all over!  What to tackle?  I have 5 minutes (I think).  So, I start something, but then someone needs something, the task is put aside and the forgotten about and I'm on to other things, then it's time for dinner, then dishes, the bath time, then bedtime, then whew!  I'm tired....wait....what's that over there?  Oh yeah, I was going to call the doctor about Maddy's glasses.  Once again, fail.  Not done.  Another week goes by and it's not done.  Now it's almost 10 and it must wait until tomorrow to try again.  When will I fit it into the day?

All I know is that I seem to be able to knock 2-3 things off my official "to do" list each day at work.  Now, maybe that's reasonable to some, but to me, it's absurd.  That should only take a couple hours - not all day!  Where is all that time going?

I am thinking of:

• meetings starting late
• forgetting a piece of paper and having to backtrack to get it
• the phone interrupting meetings
• the knock on the door interrupting another meeting
• the side bar conversation in the middle of the meeting
• the 5 people who showed up unexpectedly who needed 1/2 hour of time each
• the real needs of real people around me that need prayer or encouragement
• all the unnecessary emails and spam, even at work!  can't get rid of it.  Grrrrrrr
• so much paperwork and clutter, it's just piling up and there's no time to tackle it
• a frustrating database that freezes up my computer when try to send out an email
• waiting for the internet another grrrrrrr when I just want it NOW!!

crazy life!

vacation

got back on saturday night.

still have luggage and clothes and piles all over the house.  dishes in the sink   toys everywhere.

this week i seem to have barely enough energy to get work done, family fed, bills paid.

throw in a couple of doctor appts and i feel like i'm on tilt.

my goal tonight:  clear off the dining room table.

SUCCESS!

now i must clear off my bed so i can sleep in it.  i guess that's goal #2.

24 hours

I think that how much I need...with no kids to "help".

Just me and this home, the inside.

I look around and see so much to do that I just can't keep up with these days.  These past 5 months have really done me in!

Here is a sampling of the random chaos that sits around and drives me bonkers in the recesses of my crazy mind:

* baby welcome, congrats cards - August
* hospital paperwork and stuff
* pumkins - halloween
* turkey pan - thanksgiving
* Christmas tree
* Gingerbread house
* lots of leftover Christmas candy goodies no one seems to want
* Tax paperwork scattered all over, hoping for a good return!
* piles of mail, bills, receipts
* cords, chargers, boxes, phones, just stuff!

So overwhelmed when I think about it.  So, I'm going to go to bed and put the blinders back on!