hmmm what's next. another surreal moment in time.

Losing? Lost? I lost my baby.  What kind of way to say it is that?  Did I really lose it?  Doesn't that make it sound like it's my fault somehow?  Anyway, the baby didn't make it. No more heartbeat. I have miscarried. Baby has died, but still remains physically in me at this point.


2 weeks ago or so the doctor tells me.  I just found out I've been carrying a child who died at about 13 weeks gestation.  I was almost 16 weeks along.

letting go. unmet expectations. sadness. grief.  heaviness. guilt.  responsibility.  why?  why now?

so many racing thoughts, feelings, and emotions tumble unexpectedly and haphazardly across my mind and on my face and out through my words.  physically:  headaches, no appetite, crying, a sick to my stomach feeling like i just want to throw up all the time.

telling my 3 year old daughter was the hardest thing i had to do yesterday.  "why mommy? why?"  she is sobbing.  "but mommy why baby go to heaven?"  my heart is broken along with hers.

all we will have now is a couple of sweet ultrasound photos from our first visit a month ago and the memories.  someday we will get to ask God ourselves.  Why?

wow.  i've got another unexpected journey.

anger

it's dangerous.

at least I know it is for me.

i know anger is sometimes justified and healthy, but i don't think i know how to handle anger well.  it is not a comfortable emotion for me.

My quote for the day:  "There are times when anger is incorrectly associated with trivial matters.  And there are times when it may be associated with legitimate concerns, but is managed irresponsibly.  Balance is found when anger is linked to a reasonable issue and is communicated in a proper manner." The Anger Workbook p. 19

oooh.  communicated in a proper manner is what i need to try and do.

how do you handle it?

delete

remember how refreshed and inspired i was?

delete.

everything i was ready to tackle these next couple years - gone.

hmmm.

what is god doing?  i am not sure i understand right now.

Plastic Wo-man?

Seriously, how many different things could possibly be asked of me today?  Some of it was my own fault, poor planning, lack or foresight or whatever, but seriously, it was just a ridiculous kind of day where nothing went the way I wanted it to go and it seemed that every step I tried to take was hijacked.  One way or another, my plans for today went out the window.  Not always a bad thing.

As I ping-ponged around from one demand to another, I felt so stretched beyond what I know possible.  I guess that could be a good thing, but now I am drained and empty.  So tired. I am not Plastic Woman.  I don't want to be!

Don 't you hate it when...

 ...everyone else has a worse day than your own bad day?

So cheer each other up with the hope you have. Build each other up. In fact, that's what you are doing.  1 Thes. 5:11

Making Mistakes

I hate it when I mess up.

I seem to have all these voices telling me lies like "you failed",  "you're terrible", "you are good for nothing", "how stupid can you be".

So, we're about ready to go on vacation - to Mexico.  I thought I was getting all my ducks in a row this morning when I called the airline to let them know I was bringing a lap child.  Come to find out, all my ducks were way out of line!

Did you know you need a passport for infants?  I sure did not!!  I don't think I've left the country since our honeymoon.  This will be our first international family trip!  And the last time I went to Mexico, I didn't even need a passport for myself!!

So, I also find out that this particular airline is going to charge me $100 for her to sit in my lap, not eat any of their food, not drink any of their sodas, and not get her own seat!  What?!  Oh, but I can pack a 22lb bag for her, no charge.  Oh yay, thanks.  22lb bag + 15lb baby fully clothed = $100 fee?  Wow.  Alas, we have no choice.  She's coming!!

So, I had to drag my husband and kids to the city so the two girls could get expedited passports.  Yes, both parents must be present with the child at the time of the request.  A $150 mistake for me.  That's the fee I have been penalized because we needed them right away.  Major bummer.  That's when those nasty voices (lies) kick in and I have to fight discouragement.

You should see her passport photo...it's hilarious.  A baby mugshot. The photo guy was frustrated b/c she kept smiling at the camera.  He just wanted her to look, not smile.  Haha.  Why?  So you can't see her teeth?  She only has two and they're barely visible!

I still can't believe passports are issued for infants.  So when she's five, can she still use it?!  Will TSA flag her b/c the photo doesn't match?!

truth = His grace is sufficient for me, where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom, He gives me a spirit of power, love and self control.

Rejected?

I am not sure how I feel about this.  Twice today.  My 5 month old sweet girl not only rejected me, but screamed loudly and angrily at me, as if "How dare you mama?"  She didn't want me.  She made this very clear.

So, I made a formula bottle and she sucked it down happily.

Actually, I think I do know how I feel. Sad.  Disappointed.  Surprised.  Alarmed. Not needed.  Rejected.  It's these time where I find myself grieving how fast they grow up. How can they have such strong wills at such a young age?!

Funny, I thought I was the one calling the shots and going to decide when we quit.  Maybe not.

I'll try again tomorrow. But, wow, this was a weird day.  Never happened before.

Ever have a day when...

• you oversleep and your kids undersleep
• your tea spills in the car on the way to work
• you forget your lunch
• there are so many interruptions that you don't complete any one task fully
• you cry because you feel like failure
• you just need a friend who answers whenever you call
• your heart aches for a friend's loss
• you eat too much candy and still want more
• you sit paralyzed with too much to do
• you want your mom nearby and she's not
• your kid wouldn't eat the dinner you made and you forced yourself to eat it too
• one kid or the other is crying from the moment you get home till they're finally asleep
• you can't bear to look in the kitchen
• you just want to crawl in bed and start over tomorrow?

Maybe that's why God gave us nights and days.  To experience a taste of grace, of daily do-overs, His mercies new for every morning that He gives us to wake up and try again.